“He just didn’t come home,” she said, doubling over in my office chair and sobbing into her hands. I could feel her pain in my stomach and almost smell the sadness of her tears. I held still as she came to the harsh reality that her five-year relationship with the partner she intended to marry was over.
A future-oriented woman, she felt most comfortable when her life was planned out—from what she would eat each day to every weekend event accounted for in her planner. In an instant, her planner was wiped clean of the life she had so meticulously crafted around her partner.
As she lifted herself upright and reached for the tissues, she blurted out her breakup survival checklist. Her knee-jerk reaction to the enormity of her loss was to set goals and rigid schedules to help her stop the pain and move forward. She banged her fist on her thigh as she convincingly shared that every day she would commit to the gym, hunt for a more satisfying job, take up an obscure hobby, and make plans with friends and family.
Time to Slow Down
While these were sound plans, I worried that they seemed premature, with the potential to intensify her anxiety and sadness. Emotional pain is often underestimated, but it’s just as impactful as physical injury. If she had broken her leg instead of her heart, she wouldn’t be able to get up and keep running. She would seek treatment, slow down, and follow a recovery plan. Similarly, a broken heart needs nurture, rest, and time to mend.
As Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s stages of grief show us, the grieving brain needs time to process the complex emotional stages; deconstruct “us” as a reference point and adapt to a totally new set of rules to operate in the world.
I suggested experimenting with being planless; creating space and time for processing the rollercoaster of emotions that she would inevitably feel. This meant no goals, rigid schedules, or changes over the next three months, with healing and self-care as the sole focus.
Her shoulders dropped as she quietly sighed at my suggestion. She feared not having plans and schedules to distract her from drowning in her emotions, and yet ultimately agreed to the experiment.
A Planless Week
Following a week absent of goals and rigid schedules, she seemed to feel some relief. She shared that her new mindset removed some of the pressure she imposed on herself to heal quickly and return to life as usual. Instead, she slept in a bit longer, napped, made nurturing meals, embraced joyful movement, read, saw friends, and lingered longer on her sunny porch.
In a culture that rewards hustle, goals, and constant achievement, it can feel antithetical to NOT have a plan. Although plans, goals, and schedules can provide a sense of control in a chaotic world, it sometimes makes more sense to disrupt your normal patterns. The reality is that when you lose a partner, normal no longer applies.
My client took the planless approach to heart and gave herself three months to slow down, make sense of the relationship, develop compassion for herself, and begin to move forward. Like an untreated broken leg that heals crooked, untreated heartbreak can live unresolved. So next time your heart breaks, break up with your plans, goals, and schedule. Give yourself the space to take in the love, nurture, care, and compassion your heart deserves.